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An essential quiz to test your level of crazy.
By: The Quiz Lady
We’ve all heard about them – those tragic girls who give us sane women a bad name. The stalkers, the baby-talkers, the divas… good thing we’re not one of them. But it seems like every guy we know has dated a few of these maniacs. Which means either all these chicks are living on an island that only men can access or… we ARE those girls – at least every once in a while. Gasp! So how can you tell if you’ve crossed over into Territory Bonkers?
1)    You send your new guy a witty text message at 2:15 pm, knowing full well that he’s at work. By 2:38 pm, he still hasn’t responded. Do you:
a)     Kill yourself?
b)    Erase his phone number and that of everyone you are mutually acquainted with?
c)     Send six follow up text messages, getting angrier with each subsequent message and ending simply with “GO F*CK YOURSELF, LOSER!”
d)    Text every single one of your friends to make sure your phone is working?
e)     Chill out and go about your day, assuming he’ll get in touch when he has a chance?
2)    You meet a guy in a bar and exchange numbers. The second you get home you immediately Google him until you figure out his last name and, of course, find his Facebook page. Then you:
a)     Go through every single picture, tag, caption, and wall post, trying to figure out which of the girls he’s friends with have seen him naked and whether they still want to?
b)    Create a complicated mathematical equation that calculates the ratio between how often he posts on FB to how long it will take him to call you, which can also be expanded to take into account posts made after you met if he still hasn’t called?
c)     Find 25 things you don’t like about him based on his profile and decide you are over the whole thing before you even hear from him, which you probably won’t ANYWAY, so who cares?
d)    Send him a flirty message – why shouldn’t you take the initiative? – and then realize you have now outed yourself for sneakily hunting down his full name based on where he said he went to college and that drunk banker who mentioned they worked together. Send a follow-up message to assure him that you aren’t an insane stalker and then realize you now sound like a TOTALLY INSANE STALKER. Vow to never go on FB again, and then immediately stalk all your exes to see if they are sleeping with anyone hotter than you?
e)     Wait for him to call?
3)    A guy you aren’t really dating but occasionally have sleepovers with shows up at your place, drunk. You were just about to go to bed, but he’s crashing all around and he is awfully cute when he isn’t being an asshat. Do you:
a)     Call him a cab?
b)    Grab a pillow (not your good smushy one) and blanket, firmly directing him toward your couch?
c)     Lock your bedroom door, go to bed and leave him to do whatever he feels like in your apartment until he exhausts himself?
d)    Scream at him that this is no way to treat a lady, hurl a shoe at him, and throw him out into the street?
e)     Just go ahead and blow him so he’ll pass out and you can get some sleep?
4)    You end up in bed with a guy after your first date. It was a fun night, you had a few drinks, and you think you really like him. The next day you:
a)     Drag your best friend to look at engagement rings on your lunch hour?
b)    Spend at least 10 hours chastising yourself for being such a huge slut and convincing yourself you will never, ever hear from him again?
c)     Send him a cute thank you text for a great evening and then gleefully masturbate to a mental play-by-play of the night before?
d)    Send him a text asking if you were just a one-night stand to him or if he thinks you two have a future, because just so he knows, you don’t normally sleep with guys on the first date but you thought you really had a connection, especially when he gazed into your eyes while he was inside of you!?
e)     Sleep with someone else you know has a crush on you that you aren’t actually interested in to take the edge off of worrying if the first guy will actually call and then revert to options B and D?
5)    You are at your guy’s place after a night of great laughs and fun sex. The next morning when he is in the shower, you look in his nightstand drawer and find what is obviously a journal. Do you:
a)     Take a second to realize you are fucking a guy who keeps a JOURNAL. Seriously!?
b)    Put it back where you found it?
c)     Immediately scan it as quickly as you can for entries containing your name?
d)    Hide it in your purse so you can read every word of it back at your place with your friends on Skype for interpretive assistance. You can always sneak it back – how often do people write in journals, for crying out loud?
e)     Wonder if it contains more interesting info than his email account, which you hacked the last time you were over?
6)    You have a sneaking suspicion that your boyfriend is cheating on you. In fact, you’re 90% positive that he is. Even your friends think he’s been acting strangely. Do you:
a)     Ask him if he’s cheating on you?
b)    Set up an elaborate fake FB profile and send him a message asking if he’s single or not to see what he does?
c)     Go on ebay to see if you can buy one of those giant man-trap things they used to catch poachers on estates in the olden days?
d)    Call in sick to work and spend the day making a Venn Diagram for every girl you know he knows, intersecting her level of attractiveness, likelihood that she is actually a filthy whore with no feelings, and how many times he has mentioned her in the last year to figure out who he’s cheating with?
e)     Buy a sophisticated disguise, cancel all your plans for the next month, and follow him everywhere he goes, including the men’s locker room at the gym?
7)    You’re getting ready to go to a party with your boyfriend. It’s been a long, stressful week and you could really use a compliment. Even just a little one. When he takes a look at you in your fabulous new outfit and simply asks if you’re ready to leave, do you:
a)     Prod him a little by asking if he thinks you look fat?
b)    Furiously stomp out of the room, lock yourself in the bathroom, and refuse to speak to him until he apologizes – even though he doesn’t know why you’re mad at him (because he SHOULD know)?
c)     Screech: “Would it KILL you to say I look nice every once in a while? You obviously WANT me to have low self-esteem!” before slinging your new purse at his head?
d)    Ignore him, turn to take a last look at your hot self in the mirror and think, “Well, dammit woman! You are simply gorgeous!” Decide he gets no sexy-time after the party unless he has rectified the situation (of his own volition) by the end of the night.
e)     Say yes, you are indeed ready to leave, and plan to sneakily make out with a cute guy at the party as soon as your boyfriend gets drunk enough to stop noticing what you’re up to because, seriously: FUCK HIM?

The answers below are worth one point each.
1 – E, 2 – E, 3 – A, 4 – C, 5 – B, 6 – A, 7 – D
All other answers are worth 100 points each.
Under 100 POINTS:
You are a DAMNED LIAR. Get out of my quiz, Liar!
100 – 300 POINTS:
Congratulations! You’re a pretty normal gal, as it turns out. I mean, we have feelings, for crying out loud. Not to mention hormones. Sometimes you act out a bit, but most of the time you comport yourself with grace and dignity. A step out of line here and it’s not the end of the world – you’re just expressing yourself ! Great job.
300-600 POINTS:
Erm, you might need to cut back on the coffee and get a boost of self-confidence instead! Ask your friends to remind you why you are super fantastic, so the next time you’re wondering what some guy is up to, you won’t make it about your own shortcomings. (Also, has it occurred to you that you might actually hate men?)
You need help. Like, yesterday. Also, please don’t date any of my male friends. Ever.

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