Sometimes, life throws you a total curveball. Are you the sort of gal who hits it or lets it smash into the wall behind her? (Or worse, lets it smash into her head?) Let’s find out together by taking this essential quiz!
Quiz by The Quiz Lady:
Illustration: Koko Ntuen
1.You’ve been on a few dates with a guy you really like. You decide to go home with him, and you can barely wait for the fun to get started. But when it does, you discover that he’s equipped like a seven-year-old boy. Not just small, but SMALL. Creepy small. Underdeveloped—possibly because of a weird lab accident—small. Do you:
B. swallow your horror and go through with it, wondering all the while if you can live the rest of your life having thimble sex because you really do like the guy and you don’t want to throw someone terrific away because of something so small? (Pun intended. Even in the midst of non-penetrative sex, you celebrate your brilliant wit.)
C. burst into helpless laughter which quickly turns into tears?
D. fake a seizure so as to not hurt his feelings? (Also: An ambulance ride OUT of there is a nice bonus.)
E. attempt to give him a blowjob in the hopes that he’s a late-in-the-game grower, realize you feel like a pedophile, and vow to move to a third-world country to selflessly—and sex-lessly—help the people there, since obviously you have done something along the way that has brought this terrible karma upon you?
2.Your mother refuses to stop giving your phone number to the single sons of women she knows – usually sight-unseen, and with no thought to whether or not they’re appropriate for you in any way. You have tried explaining, pleading, threatening – nothing will make her stop. You learn that yet another winner has been given your personal info – only this time, Mom “happened to mention” to him where you work… and he shows up at your office. Predictably, he’s NOT your type. Do you:
A. pitch a fit, hysterically informing the guy—and the entire office—that your mother is trapped in an old-school understanding of what it means to be a woman, that she simply cannot handle the fact that you’re fine with being single and taking care of yourself and that you definitely don’t need her to fix you up with random guys just because she played tennis with their mothers! Throw a stapler, hit a co-worker, get sued and end up living with your mother?
B. have a freaking cup of coffee with the guy—how bad could it be? So what if he has visible ear hair and one of those really nasal voices that makes you want to kill yourself?
C. hide under your desk with the bottle of scotch from the bottom drawer and pray he’ll go away?
D. pretend to be someone else?
E. calmly tell him that you have an important meeting to go to and it isn’t really appropriate to just show up at your place of business, but if he leaves his information you’ll give him a call to set something up. The second he leaves, make a list of all the gross old guys you can start giving your mother’s phone number to. Why didn’t you think of this before?
3.You come home from work to the apartment you live in with your significant other and discover an extra person in your bedroom. A naked extra person. Do you:
A. torch the place?
B. decide this is an excellent time to let the traitor know that the lease is in your name, you just decided you want a new roommate and if the space isn’t vacated within the next five seconds you’re going to have no choice but to post certain very embarrassing pictures on the interwebs for all to enjoy?
C. calmly turn around, walk out the door and head to the nearest bar?
D. wave cheerfully, head for the kitchen whistling your favorite Lady Gaga tune and pretend nothing happened. Later, get all your stuff out and then torch the place?
E. rip off your clothes and join in?
4.You go into your yearly work review ready to be handed roses and a bottle of champagne as the confetti falls and the band plays. All year long you’ve been getting terrific feedback from your bosses—in writing, no less—and you can practically taste your gigantic bonus. You’re shocked when you score at the bottom of the pile after being ripped a new one for 45 minutes. WTF?
A. torch the place?
B. discuss the situation with people you trust, take a day to gather your thoughts and then write a well thought-out e-mail explaining that you had been led to believe that you were doing an excellent job and were therefore stunned by the results of your review. After all, if you hadn’t been getting accurate feedback, there is no way you would have known to make changes to your work. You then ask for an opportunity to discuss the subject further and request a new review?
C. get very, very drunk with similarly disgruntled co-workers, write a rambling, furious e-mail laden with spelling mistakes and profanities and send it from the bar. Then call your boss’s voicemail repeatedly and leave messages that consist solely of you making obscene noises into the phone and hanging up?
D. burst into furious tears and quit that bitch on the spot?
E. resolve to do a half-assed job until you get fired? Seriously fuck those guys! Besides, if you do get fired, Obama just hooked you up with 99 extra weeks of unemployment. That should keep you going for while. Work the system!
5.You agree to meet your Match.com date for a drink after work. You’re trying not to get your hopes up, because, god knows, Internet dating isn’t the world’s most reliable resource. But this one really seems terrific: he’s funny and clever in his e-mails and his pictures are super cute. When you get to the bar, you look around for your date, but he’s not there. You wait a few minutes, trying not to get pissed, until you’re warmly approached by a not-so-cute guy whom you’ve never laid eyes on in your life seems really excited to see you. It’s your date—who apparently posted pictures of someone on his profile. Do you:
A. turn on your heel and go home immediately—seriously, what the hell?
B. suck it up and have a drink with him? After all, you put on makeup and left your apartment. You should at least get a free drink or six out of it.
C.flat-out ask him what he was thinking when he asked to meet you, knowing full well you were expecting to meet the guy in the pictures? Based on his answer, proceed with option A or B.
D. pretend not to be yourself (two can play that game, pal!) and use your best eyelash-batting to coax the eavesdropping hottie at the bar next to you to play the part of your “actual” date?
E. heave a sigh of relief, now he can’t be mad that your pictures were fake, too?
6.You and a friend crash for the weekend at your parent’s house while they’re on a trip—you really need some R&R. You decide to bust out some home movies so your pal can see what you looked like with bad 80’s hair and braces. Despite being labeled “Middle School Graduation,” the tape turns out to be a very different kind of home movie, starring your parents—and it wasn’t made in the 80’s. Do you:
A. choke to death on your own tongue?
B. scream wordlessly until your eyeballs fall out, which helps but still can’t erase the picture now seared into your brain?
B. immediately grab your cell phone—Mom looks incredible! Did she get a ShakeWeight or what? You have to know!
C. say, “Ew! What a weird creepy joke has been played on us by people I’ve never seen before! Be right back,” go hide all the family photos and make a note to never introduce this particular friend to your parents?
E. what else can you do but torch the place? They brought this on themselves. Besides, they probably have insurance.
7.You spend an hour getting ready for dinner with your boyfriend’s parents. You can’t believe you’re finally meeting them! Your guy really looks up to his folks who have been married for over 20 years. Meeting them is obviously a sign that this relationship is for real, right? You get to the restaurant and an older guy you dated three years ago is randomly there. What are the chances? That’s odd—he’s talking to your boyfriend. And a woman is joining them and they’re all heading your way… together. Seriously? Do you:
B. ask to speak to your boyfriend alone, tell him you aren’t feeling well and you have to leave? You’re too classy to rat on his dad, but you sure as hell don’t have to eat dinner with him!
C. do a quick double-take and say, “Sorry—you look so familiar! For a second I thought I’d met you somewhere before.” Continue in this fashion throughout the evening and watch the bastard squirm. Order the most expensive items on the menu and six cocktails—you earned ‘em.
D. smile, greet everyone warmly and spend the evening pretending you aren’t sitting across from a guy who told you he was recently divorced and then fucked you in the same bathroom where you just put on makeup to meet his wife?
E. spill the beans? Your boyfriend is obviously totally deluded and it’s up to you to make him see the light!
You react very violently to surprises and probably have a really large dry-cleaning bill on top of everything else. You might want to take it down a notch.
You really know how to handle a curveball with grace! In most cases you remain calm and don’t make a fool of yourself or anyone else. Sometimes you take it too far, though. If you’re pissed, it’s okay to say so instead of sucking it up all the time.
You kind of drink a lot. But you handle a surprise in creative ways, which is interesting and fun.
You are a really good pretender! Have you considered a career in theatre?
You don’t handle surprises well at all. You usually pitch the curveball back really hard from whence it came, which isn’t necessarily wrong, but I don’t think anyone will be throwing you a surprise parade any time soon. Go get a drink with someone who picked mostly C’s and see if she can teach you about reacting in a crisis.