Ask The Squid

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Advice / The Squid

Illustrations / Koko Ntuen


I have a coworker at my office who I always catch staring at my boobs. How do I get him to stop without getting either of us fired or causing a scene?
Guys are gonna stare at boobs. Its a simple fact of life that will never change. Women tend assume that men have some sort of control over this action and that its not (basically) an automatic response.
It is.
Men tend to assume that they’re being subtle/sneaky/stealth in their ogling.
They’re not.
So what are you gonna do about it? You’re gonna do one or more of the following…
Cover those cupcakes up. Oh wait, they’re probably too big and awesome to cover up without making the rest of you look chubby, huh? Yeah, that sucks. So before you do talk to him about it, please take into account that your awesome boobs probably help him mentally get through his workday. Seeing your boobs gives him the strength to write another tps report or make another batch of precooked french fries, cause you didn’t tell me where you work.
Also realize that if you found this guy even slightly attractive, you would not be bothered by this nearly as much, if at all.
And finally, you will come across as a bitch, which could backfire and make him more attracted to you. I suggest you politely speak to a supervisor or get over it.

My boyfriend makes a really awful orgasm face and its a real turn off for me right when Im about to cum but he likes to maintain eye contact- Help! We’ve been together 6 months already and I don’t know how to tell him!
The fact that you’ve been with this guy for 6 months and haven’t brought this up to him is annoyingly unfortunate. This is the kind of problem that can slowly erode and eventually ruin your relationship, and since you haven’t said ANYTHING for 6 WHOLE MONTHS, this WILL be awkward. That being said, when you do talk to him about this, DO NOT insult his orgasm face. I’ve been told (by more than one person) that my orgasm face is weird (no I am not kidding) and it only made me feel bad, cause I can’t help it, and neither can your boyfriend. However, what you should address is his request for constant eye contact cause that’s just creepy. Intensely creepy. Aspiring taxidermist with a collection of severed doll parts creepy. And sexually selfish. Tell him that in order for you to get off, you need to lose yourself in the moment, and you can’t lose yourself in the moment when you’re being intensely stared at by a guy who probably has a jar filled with pieces of your hair. Good luck.

I’m gay. Have never told anyone and am 15. I think my mom has figured it out but my dad keeps pressuring me to go on dates with girls. I’m so uncomfortable. Should I tell them?

You’re right, your Mom does know you’re gay. Actually your Dad also knows you’re gay…Sort of.
Deep down, your Dad knows you’re gay, but isn’t ready to accept or acknowledge it, which is why he’s pressuring you about girls. He hoping that getting you to go out with girls might magically turn you straight, which we both know isn’t gonna happen.
Sorry Dad.
Your Mom on the other hand, has most likely accepted the fact that you’re gay and just probably isn’t sure how to approach the subject with you, which is why you should talk to her first. She is more likely to be understanding (she likes dick also), and will know the best way to bring it up to your Dad so he won’t totally lose it.
Or get yourself a fag hag and say she’s your girlfriend, whatevs.

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